I love the internet, and social media. It is such a resourceful tool.
At the same time, I hate it. I hate how time consuming it can be. I hate how much crap is on here. It can be a sweet tool to maintain relationships, yet at the same time, it can also rob us of the relationships that are right in front of us. I also hate how easy it is to paint a perfect picture of our lives, masking the absolute mess that truly exists.
I don’t really know how people view “missionaries” (which I don’t think I’m qualified for that title. I think you have to have led a certain amount of people to the Lord, or know a certain amount of Bible verses by heart, and eat lots of bugs without flinching. I’m definitely not there, on all accounts). I think sometimes missionaries can be viewed on a different level of holiness or commitment to God (which is why God gives them special perks).
I have seen other people post things that were pretty vulnerable and I found it encouraging (it’s always good to know you aren’t the only screw up). So hopefully my being somewhat vulnerable on here encourages you, and gives you a more real look at our lives:
My wife and I have only been in Thailand for 3 months, yet…
– We have already argued more in the last 3 months than we had in our previous almost 3 YEARS of marriage
– I thought I had gotten over my “road rage” issues in college (I literally have driven like a grandma the last few years). Driving in Thailand is now teaching me that apparently I didn’t deal with the root of the issue.
– I STILL am very susceptible to depression and struggle with it, probably even more so now that we are away from home and yearning for family, friends, and community.
– People may think we have vision and guidance (which to some extent we do. But to be honest, probably about 40% of the time I go to bed thinking, “what the heck are we doing?”)
– I haven’t led anyone in Thailand to Christ, or even come close. I’m just now at the point where I can order my food in a way where the locals won’t laugh at me for butchering my Thai.
– I have run out of gas twice in the last three months. That’s two times more than I had in the previous twenty six years. Which again, has brought great laughter to the locals.
– Despite having an array of gray hairs on my head, I still can’t grow a full beard without any bare spots (which I thought when you move overseas, God automatically gives you a sweet beard, and possibly a staff. Apparently not).
I desperately am trying to seek and follow God and want to be used by Him. But as I do, the more of a big mess I realize I am. But that’s ok, and honestly, I think that’s how it should be. As Paul wrote;
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” – 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
So as you see our facebook updates, photos, blog updates, etc, I hope you see me for what I am. A big mess.
But the more I realize I’m a mess, the more it reminds me how much I need Jesus. Hallelujah for big messes.
(This blog is mainly just a way for me to ramble and try to process through things. If you want our actual ministry updates, you can sign up to receive those here.)